I managed to place a few bids on attractive-looking items, including a Toshiba digital camera, but, seconds later, I was outbid by JP from Cambridge, Massachusetts, who was obviously developing a passion for the same item. After a couple of attempts I considered giving up and going to a non- auction retail site where I could buy the same item for more money but without the worry. Just when I was close to giving up, though, my bid managed to outlast others and I got my camera for about 20 per cent less than I would have paid at Fry's superstore in Palo Alto.Then I tried another site, eBay ( www.ebay ), where I bid for and won a diving trip to Aruba for $480 (the normal price was $1,200). Feeling adventurous and up for some online haggling, I read the FAQs and registered on the site to join the elite club of "bidders". I immediately got the impression that the site was absolutely heaving with frenzied buyers, with real-time offers flying around at the speed of light. It has taken Kevin, his alter ego, 10 months and 20 hours a week online to achieve a successful career. What a guy!Weddings are common in Britannia and I feel content just wandering the streets of my newfound homeland and gossiping with neighbours.

You see, on the Net even retirement and alternative family life are catered for And I won't ever have to change a nappy.. A FEW weeks ago, while on a trip to California, I caught the online auction bug. I was looking for a digital camera and someone suggested Onsale, a US auction site ( www.onsale ). I am considering opening a small school on the east side of town and have even met quite a nice blacksmith who has a two-bedroom cottage of his own. Wolverine never gains an ounce and is a fit as a marine.However, my online adventuring may be drawing to a contented close I fear I'm already approaching gaming middle age Recently, I discovered a new game called Ultima Online.

Here you enter Britannia and attempt to build a life for yourself in the villages and towns of ye olde fashioned worlde.Suddenly I feel the urge to settle down and start tending cabbages as a hobby. The problem Lister, Cat et al slowly discovered was that, while their minds were convinced that they were in Barbados sipping cocktails with Kate Moss, their bodies were totally neglected and beginning to die. So as I slumped gorging on a genetically mutated burger and slurping an additive-laden milkshake that episode was brought to mind The irony didn't have any impact at the time, though. "In the back, you creep! How could you?" Then I vowed his ultimate annihilation.Better than Life was a game played by the characters in Red Dwarf that involved plugging all of the body's vital systems into a computer and living out your most magnificent dreams via a modem attached to the brain. Still, better online than at home.I remember with a shiver the first time a man shot me in the back so many times that I exploded into a thousand pulped, pet food-sized pieces I leapt up from my PC swearing and shocked.